f Dante had lived in the 21st century he would have written about 10 levels of Hell instead of 9, and the last ones would have been called “Violence,” “Fraud,” “Treachery” and “Costco on a Sunday afternoon”. Normally Costco on a Sunday afternoon is something to avoid like Dennis Rodman’s “delicates” drawer, but there are times you just can’t avoid it.
So it was that I found myself there yesterday, taking the Costco bullet for my wife. As anyone who’s been to Costco knows, they wisely set up the mancandy just inside the front door while you’re still feeling flush and upbeat, before the beat-down that occurs over the next 40 minutes until you’re waiting in the checkout line with $350 of cheese sticks, pasta sauce and toilet paper. I walked through those big gaping doors to find myself face-to-face with an 80-inch piece of paradise trapped like a jewel in the blackest night of Dante’s 10th level. For a brief moment I could hear the angels sing as I basked in the radiant glow of the promise of eternal happiness.
Pictures of surgically-sculpted, scantily-clad swimsuit and lingerie models have remarkably less effect on me since I married the perfect woman. But this… this is the sort of thing I could stare at a picture of and fantasize about for hours and hours when my wife is fast asleep, or when nobody else is looking. Sure, I feel a little dirty about it, but I’m only human… and a guy. You know how it is. Guys have needs.
I snapped a quick picture of it on my cell phone and texted it to a few people who I know would appreciate it. The texts I got back were amusing, and worth sharing. Be advised though, some of them are a little off-color. If that sort of thing offends you perhaps it’s best that you don’t read any further.
Here was the photo I sent out, and the text responses I got back throughout the day:
Captain Finland: Dear lord. That’s huge…
…that’s what she said
Brew-meister: Did you buy the 80”??
Me: I wish. It comes complete with divorce attorney referrals.
Lurch: Uhhhh LCD uhhhhhhhh (drooling) *
*(note: I’ve known Lurch since high school. This is the most articulate he’s ever been.)
Mr. Practical: I need surround-sound first before I can have something that big. That would take family movie night to a whole new level. *
*(note: as practical as this response was, Mr. Practical managed to hit “reply all” when he sent it, which in turn sparked off an entirely different tier of levity)
Me: I have a new yardstick for measuring my manhood <<picture>>
The Bachelor: Yardstick? Impressive! Costco baby! Chris Harrison never loomed so large.
Then my favorite exchange of the day:
Me: I need this to be a better person <<picture>>
Assistant: Yes, I’m glad you finally found what it means to be a good person.
Me: It’s cheaper than a Porsche.
Assistant: But you can’t take it to brag and schmooze to other dental offices like you could a Porsche. Plus, you’ll only get about 10 minutes in front of it in the evenings before you fall asleep.
Me: There’s a joke there.
Assistant: I know. Your poor wife. 😉
Then this one came through from my wife:
UnDorkMommy: You need to clean up that puddle of drool by the big screen and get some juice boxes 100% juice while you’re at it.
And with that needle-scratch off the record the fantasy was ruined. The balloon was deflated and back into Dante’s 10th level I went.