Breastfeeding lessons from a 5-year-old

16 Jan

s the arrival of Superkid #3 rapidly approaches, and with the birth of my unDorkSister’s first child this week, the conversations around the DorkDaddy household have taken an interesting turn. Last night we were sitting around the dinner table and I innocently asked my kids where the new baby was going to sit after he was born. Instinctively, naturally, my kids suggested that the baby sit next to unDorkMommy, because Mommy is the one who feeds the baby.

To my wife’s eternal consternation I am always happy to play devil’s advocate, sometimes just for the sake of intillectual exercise. So I asked my kids why the baby couldn’t sit next to Daddy where Daddy could feed him. My 5-year-old daughter is a born scientist. She loves to understand things, and she loves to share her understanding.

I imagine this bra could hold just about anything.

“Silly Daddy. Daddy’s can’t feed babies” she said.

The conversation progressed very organically, completely directed by her, into a lesson on breastfeeding; how mammals drink milk from a mother’s chest.

“But I have a chest” I replied. “Why can’t the baby drink from my chest?”

“Because your chest is different!”


“Mommy’s chest is different. She has nickles” (That’s right. She said “nickles”)

“I have nipples. Won’t my nipples work?” I responded.

“No. Mommy’s chest is different. It’s just different”.

Let’s avoid all jokes about man-breasts for a moment because believe me, they’re all on the tip of my tongue too.



At this point I was just enjoying watching the wheels turn in my daughter’s head. This went on for a while, but it’s a balancing act, playing games like this without making her frusterated. She knew exactly what she meant, but was having a hard time finding the words. I was ready to drop the subject when, right there at the dinner table she said, “Mommy, take off your shirt and show Daddy what I mean”.

“No!” replied my horrified, wide-eyed, very conservative wife. She just about did a spit-take right there and then. “I’m not going to do that”.

“Please, Mommy! Show Daddy your chest.”

“No!” replied unDorkMommy, unable to decide if she was genuinely horrified at what was playing out, or if she was going to crack up and spew brown rice across the table.

“Please, Mommy! Just real quick. Take off your shirt and show Daddy your chest. Why not?”

“Yeah” I chimed in. “Why not. Show me your chest”.

The look I got from unDorkMommy was more than enough to signal that with those words, the conversation was dead as Michelle Bachman’s presidential campaign.

My daughter and I both finished dinner, unsatisfied.

-Dork Dad

15 Responses to “Breastfeeding lessons from a 5-year-old”

  1. Anonymous January 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

    This is priceless!!

    • dorkdad January 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

      So was the look on my wife’s face when she realized the direction this conversation was going.

  2. the waiting January 16, 2012 at 1:21 pm #

    I just can’t get over her calling them “nickels”. I love hearing how kids hear things!

    • dorkdad January 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

      She wasn’t impressed with my nipples-argument. She seemed to think that hairy nipples weren’t appropriate for babies. Heh.

  3. Charlotte January 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    Thank you for the laughs.

    • dorkdad January 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

      You can thank my daughter. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

  4. Anna February 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    Totally cracked me up – loved the picture you chose to go with this! 🙂

    Thanks for linking up to finding the funny! Looking forward to reading more of your blog.

    • dorkdad February 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

      If you got one chuckle out of it I’m glad. You already know what I think of your blog. (c:

  5. hollow tree ventures February 14, 2012 at 6:03 am #

    That is soooo funny! Nickels! I was feeding my baby and, careful though I try to be, my 7yo daughter got a quick glimpse. She looked horrified, then kind of disappointed, abruptly lifted her shirt and exclaimed, “I’m never going to be able to do that!” So I guess daddies aren’t the only ones with different nickels.

    • dorkdad February 14, 2012 at 7:40 am #

      Hello HTV. It always makes my day to discover a new reader, particularly when they take the time to post. The problem is, as outlined in this recent post ( ) these days my nickles are looking a little bit too much like Mommy’s nickles for comfort.

  6. Anna February 14, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    Hey Dorkdad! You were one of the top 5 most clicked posts from last week’s Finding the Funny party. We’ll be featuring you tomorrow! 🙂

  7. Kelley February 15, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    That was hilarious! I love “nickels”, too. Ha! Playing Devil’s Advocate is lots of fun. I agree! So glad you are linking up with us over at #findingthefunny!

  8. andie February 18, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    Hilarious! Just brightened my breastfeeding day!


  1. Finding the Funny #4 - My Life and Kids - February 15, 2012

    […] (TIE) – Breastfeeding Lessons from a 5-Year-Old […]

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