Pilgrims In A Holy Land

18 Nov

ome with me my son, and I will show you to the promised land. Though you are not yet a man, you are old enough to see. You are old enough to know the wonders, to see the 1080p / 240hz / HDTV splendors that can only be found in the Valhalla of big-box stores. Yes son, it is time. You have come of age. Today is your rite of passage. I have decided that today, between our trip to the drycleaner and carwash, you shall finally cast your gaze upon the wonderment of the male world. Your eyes will be open. Your heart will weep as you are cast in the Technicolor, high-definition glow of a million million microscopic LED’s on the wall of flat-screens and your soul will be baptized in an ocean of 5.1 channel Bose-lifestyle surround-sound. Son, today is the day I bring you home. Today is your first trip to Best Buy.

Worship at the altar.


As Gandalf said:

“Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it… White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.”

…and beyond THAT lies a plush leather reclining armchair with drink holders in the arm rests, facing an entire wall of high-definition flat-screens, in every size you can imagine. It truly is wondrous. This is but a glimpse of the life that is promised to us, for although I do not wish you to grow up any faster than you are, I have sworn an oath that when you grow up and go away to college I will re-outfit your bedroom with the self-same flats-screen, reclining leather armchairs and 5.1 channel surround sound.

Observe - Man in his natural habitat

But that isn’t all. Oh no. For the truly righteous there is an entire western wing dedicated to computers of every kind… dual core processors… QUAD core processors — all yours for the oogling. And if you are lucky a young person in a royal blue polo shirt only partially tucked into unkempt khaki pants, though thoroughly underqualified to accurately answer your questions, will pretend to be all knowing and guide you to a purchase which may or may not meet your needs.

The only thing that could make this better is a lollipop.

This area here is the personal gaming console section. Sample the sweet nectar of the latest generation of “Rock Band” or the hyper-realistic violence of “Call of Duty – Modern Warfare 3”. Go ahead, touch them. No matter that the sample drum pads are broken, or that the game controller isn’t communicating with the console. Sample the forbidden fruit. This, son, is a test of your will. You must know that at your tender age we can never bring this bounty home, for your mother would surely smite us down (or smite ME down at any rate).

Who are those people over there in the black pants and white collared shirts? Ah, they are pretenders; false prophets of dorkness. They call themselves the “Geek Squad” and although we do not begrudge anyone making a living, they sell their powers of dorkness for profit. We, my child, believe in using our dork-powers for good and spreading them across the world for all to share. Someday if you reach the upper echelons of dorkness you too may have a blog of your own to lay your dorkness bare for the entire world to see. (Don’t worry. The only people who will read it are close friends and family, who already know how dorky you are.)

And now the toughest lesson of all, my son. We must leave – without buying a thing. That’s right. We must EARN the rewards we see before us. It takes a lifetime of sacrifice and discipline. Some fall away from the path of righteousness. But we, you and I, WE will stay pure. We will always remember that there is a higher plane of existence. Though we may never reach perfection, the value is in the pursuit, the constant self-reflection that guides us away from what truly matters not, and towards the unattainable goal of ultimate satisfaction.

As I move through this life, this mortal plane, most recently as I move through it with you under my wing, I find that those things which I once coveted, the 70” Sony flat-screen, the Porsche 911 Cabriolet and their ilk, lose their grip on my soul. In their place grows the love of walking through this hallowed ground with you beside me and seeing the dream spark in your eye. What you don’t know now, what you can’t yet know, is that the dream changes. You see, it turns out that the items in the store are not the window to salvation. In fact it is the trips here with you, the time spent looking at these wonders of mortal man. It is holding your hand in mine and sharing the dream of how fun it would be to have these things. In fact, it is in sharing ALL your dreams. You my son, and the time I spend with you, are my dream realized. Should I live to 100 years, or die tomorrow, I know I have reached perfection. When I am with you I know I have finally found heaven.

-Dork Dad

2 Responses to “Pilgrims In A Holy Land”

  1. Floydsdad November 19, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    Firstly, thanks for the Twitter follow. This looks an impressive blog, and I look forward to reading it. I might take my girls (16 and 13) to somewhere similar tomorrow and go for a multi screen dad-dance just to show them up!! Feel free to take a look at Floydsdad.info, any feedback and comments are greatly appreciated.. Especially from across the water!

    • dorkdad November 19, 2011 at 11:47 am #

      You’re very kind. “Impressive” isn’t the word I would use, but thank you. If nothing else, getting involved in the dad-blogging community has served to show me how much better at it most other dads are. I’ll breeze through Flolydsdad.info as soon as my kids give me a moment to form a thought.

      -Dork Dad

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