Dork Dad’s 10-step guide to indoctrinating your child.

(Or, alternatively, how to make a dork out of your child)

1) Control the environment.

It’s important that your child is surrounded by the appropriate images. In language acquisition it’s called “total immersion”. This step is not for the light-hearted. If you are serious about indoctrination you have to be totally committed, and this is where your metal will be tested. Expect resistance from your wife.

2) Early exposure.

The earlier you get started the less extraneous influences you’ll have to filter out when you finally do get serious. If you get started early enough your dogma of choice will take top-billing from the beginning, and all the other distractions will pale by comparison. It’s like putting off your dental cleanings… the longer you wait, the more undesired buildup you have to eventually scrape off to get back on track.

3) Toys.

Kids love toys. It’s a scientific fact. You can use this to your advantage. Provide them with toys that reinforce your dogma of choice and take the path of least resistance to indoctrination.

4) Part of the culture.

Make no mistake. It IS a culture you’re indoctrinating your little-one into; both the culture of your dogma of choice, and of dorkness in general. Your little-one needs to feel like they are part of that culture. The secret to being a successful dork, (as opposed to the pathetic kind that gets wedgies in school and never has the opportunity to date a woman they haven’t met in “World of Warcraft” first) is self-confidence. It bears repeating: self-confidence. Make your little-one the leading expert of your dogma of choice in his/her circle of friends and self-confidence will flow automatically.

5) Role-play.

One day your little-one will be called upon to save the world. If they haven’t practiced exactly what to do beforehand, they’ll have no idea what to do when the time finally comes.

6) Role-model.

Your little-one will look to you for reinforcement. They’ll need guidance to know where to go and how to get there. You need to be the example in every way.

7) Control the message.

There will be many distractions along the way, from many outside influences beyond your control. What you can control are the messages they hear while they are with you. Make sure those images are consistent. Purity is everything.

8) Spread the gospel.

Encourage your little-one to share the love with others in the same way you share it with him/her. After all, not everyone is as enlightened as you and your little-one. There will be many, many people who won’t necessarily appreciate the message. Don’t let that deter you. Be respectful of other peoples’ wishes, but keep the message strong in your heart.

9) Keep things comfortable.

It’s a lot of work indoctrinating your child, and even moreso BEING indoctrinated. Your child needs to be reassured that they are in a stress-free, low-anxiety environment. Make sure your little-one feels comfortable exploring things on their own. Any educator worth their salt will tell you the best way to teach is through a self-motivated student. Spark the interest and let your pupil guide their own learning.

10) Mass-media blitz.

Don’t forget, it is 2011. There are so many more ways to bring your little-ones up than there were when we were kids. Take advantage of the multitude of opportunities at your disposal, and by all means, document everything.

My name is Dork Dad, and I endorse this message.

-Dork Dad