Dork Dad’s 10-step guide to indoctrinating your child.

6 Aug

(Or, alternatively, how to make a dork out of your child)


1) Control the environment.

It’s important that your child is surrounded by the appropriate images. In language acquisition it’s called “total immersion”. This step is not for the light-hearted. If you are serious about indoctrination you have to be totally committed, and this is where your metal will be tested. Expect resistance from your wife.

2) Early exposure.

The earlier you get started the less extraneous influences you’ll have to filter out when you finally do get serious. If you get started early enough your dogma of choice will take top-billing from the beginning, and all the other distractions will pale by comparison. It’s like putting off your dental cleanings… the longer you wait, the more undesired buildup you have to eventually scrape off to get back on track.

3) Toys.

Kids love toys. It’s a scientific fact. You can use this to your advantage. Provide them with toys that reinforce your dogma of choice and take the path of least resistance to indoctrination.

4) Part of the culture.

Make no mistake. It IS a culture you’re indoctrinating your little-one into; both the culture of your dogma of choice, and of dorkness in general. Your little-one needs to feel like they are part of that culture. The secret to being a successful dork, (as opposed to the pathetic kind that gets wedgies in school and never has the opportunity to date a woman they haven’t met in “World of Warcraft” first) is self-confidence. It bears repeating: self-confidence. Make your little-one the leading expert of your dogma of choice in his/her circle of friends and self-confidence will flow automatically.

5) Role-play.

One day your little-one will be called upon to save the world. If they haven’t practiced exactly what to do beforehand, they’ll have no idea what to do when the time finally comes.

6) Role-model.

Your little-one will look to you for reinforcement. They’ll need guidance to know where to go and how to get there. You need to be the example in every way.

7) Control the message.

There will be many distractions along the way, from many outside influences beyond your control. What you can control are the messages they hear while they are with you. Make sure those images are consistent. Purity is everything.

8) Spread the gospel.

Encourage your little-one to share the love with others in the same way you share it with him/her. After all, not everyone is as enlightened as you and your little-one. There will be many, many people who won’t necessarily appreciate the message. Don’t let that deter you. Be respectful of other peoples’ wishes, but keep the message strong in your heart.

9) Keep things comfortable.

It’s a lot of work indoctrinating your child, and even moreso BEING indoctrinated. Your child needs to be reassured that they are in a stress-free, low-anxiety environment. Make sure your little-one feels comfortable exploring things on their own. Any educator worth their salt will tell you the best way to teach is through a self-motivated student. Spark the interest and let your pupil guide their own learning.

10) Mass-media blitz.

Don’t forget, it is 2011. There are so many more ways to bring your little-ones up than there were when we were kids. Take advantage of the multitude of opportunities at your disposal, and by all means, document everything.



My name is Dork Dad, and I endorse this message.

-Dork Dad

10 Responses to “Dork Dad’s 10-step guide to indoctrinating your child.”

  1. Mother of Dork August 6, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

    Oy Vey !!!!

    • Anonymous August 7, 2011 at 8:23 am #

      I know, I know.

  2. Ron Mattocks (@CK_Lunchbox) August 8, 2011 at 5:21 am #

    I’m jealous of that room! I think I might be making a trip to Home Depot for some paint–the wife won’t mind having the bedroom redecorated.

  3. Anna February 15, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    that is SUPER impressive!

  4. designerdaddy May 6, 2013 at 7:23 am #

    Congrats, sir! I was a little more across-the-board superhero with my kid. My favorite has always been Aquaman, so I knew that would be a losing battle without the support of the media, toy industry, movie industry, food industry, etc that Supes, Batman, Spidey, etc. have.

    Love the room!

    • Christi Abrams May 7, 2013 at 8:08 pm # YOU MUST SEE THIS!!!

      On Mon, May 6, 2013 at 10:23 AM, wrote:

      > ** > designerdaddy commented: “Congrats, sir! I was a little more > across-the-board superhero with my kid. My favorite has always been > Aquaman, so I knew that would be a losing battle without the support of the > media, toy industry, movie industry, food industry, etc that Supes, Batman, > “

      • Christi Abrams May 7, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

        How on earth did I get in the middle of super hero party time??? [image: Geek Pride Day is May 25!]

        On Tue, May 7, 2013 at 11:09 PM, wrote:

        > ** > Christi Abrams commented: “ MUST SEE THIS!!!

  5. Adam vanLangenberg June 21, 2014 at 2:28 am #

    My father tried number one on me by painting my bedroom the colours of his football team and hanging posters of them all over the walls. It was such a failure that I fear the robots on my daughter’s wall will backfire as well.


  1. The Cookie Push « - January 23, 2012

    […] Now I’ve got no moral high ground to stand on when it comes to the issue of indoctrinating your ki…, but I do call it what it is. From a cynical adult perspective, watching those girls try to match Thin Mint cards, it was obvious that the Girl Scout propaganda machine was in full-effect. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing. But at the moment the 100 lb. gorilla in the room with the entire Girl Scout experience is the cookie-push. “Sell those cookies girls! Who can sell the most cookies?! How many cookies did you sell since the last meeting?” This is the season where corporate scouting seems to overshadow the sweet character building stuff that’s actually fun. Moms are hocking cookies to their facebook friends, dads are bringing their doe-eyed daughters to work because who can really say “no” to a 5-year-old in a Scout uniform. It’s certainly amusing to watch, if you ignore the ugly capitalism of it all. (Another Daisy Dad and I recently joked about bringing the order forms to work for those times when vendors come around to sell us something. “Oh, you’d like me to spend a bazillion dollars on your new wigit? Did I mention that my daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies? How many boxes should I put you down for?”) […]

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