Baby Products Reimagined

5 Jul

aby products are intended to be used according to the manufacturer’s instructions. Anyone who has kids knows that this isn’t the way the real world works out. Here are five common baby products reimagined according to how they are *ACTUALLY* used:

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Invisibility Cloak

Can you see him in there? No? There you go. Invisible.

Your little witch or wizard will take this along when you feel compelled to send him or her away to boarding school at a young age. Though it doesn’t exactly render the wearer invisible, rather it renders the rest of the world invisible to the user. As a side benefit, it generally comes in an assortment of psychedelic colors and patterns. When the sunlight shines through it just so, it induces an altered state of consciousness that satisfies a kid’s curiosity, thus eliminating the inclination to “experiment” with mind-altering pharmaceuticals later in life.

Baby-Koozie

You use ‘em for your beer. Why not for your baby?

Have you ever been standing around at a party and been afraid to put your baby down for fear of leaving an unsightly wetness mark on the table or countertop? With this revolutionary new product you can place your baby down virtually anywhere without worrying about leaving nasty residue behind, or even whether or not he will tip over and spill. Made of a special insulating foam it’s even designed to lock in flavor, allowing the aromas to marinate and mature as time passes.

Neglect-O-Saucer

Honey, where’s the baby? Right where I left him when my program started.

For those times when you need to check your Email, get caught up on Facebook, brew/drink/clean up a cup of coffee, or finish a rockin’ game of “Words With Friends”. Put your baby in here and feel free to do all those things you aren’t able to do while you’re carrying him around all day. It’s engineered with multiple devices designed to hold and keep your baby’s attention. Now no product is perfect, and inevitably your baby will lose interest just as the Bachelorette is knee-deep in that night’s rose ceremony. Fear not. The beauty of this product is that no matter how hard your baby screams, he can’t get out of the Neglect-O-Saucer until you are good and ready.

Sausage Maker From Hell

Not for the faint-hearted.

For millennia the recipe for making sausage hasn’t changed. Essentially you find the nastiest bits of animal flesh around, grind into a fine paste, and stuff into a thin membrane to maximum density. The Germans take 1 part veal, 3 parts pork, stuff it into pig intestine and call them “bratwurst”. The Scottish take sheep heart, liver and lungs, mix them in with a little oatmeal, pack them into the sheep’s stomach and call it “haggis”. But the Sausage Maker From Hell (patent pending) has them all beat. My next-door neighbor is German and he shudders every time he sees me bringing one of these bad boys out to the garbage cans.

Intimacy Monitor

Don’t worry. By executive order planting these in your home is totally legal.

Derived from Bush-era Patriot Act technology, this little room-tapping device allows you to spy on your sleeping child without their knowledge from anywhere within a ½ block radius. If your child typically naps in your bedroom, users beware. When at long last it’s time for that “special time” between you and your loved one after the baby is born and you happen to leave the Intimacy Monitor switch in the on-position, every neighbor within that same ½ block radius who uses the same brand monitor as you will know exactly what position(s) *YOU* were in as well.

-Dork Dad

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