Summer swimming lessons have a very interesting dynamic you don’t find anywhere else. On one hand you have hotsie-totsie little 20-something swim instructors with perfectly tanned skin, sun (and chlorine) highlighted hair, and barely appropriate teenie-weenie red bikinis. They parade around the pool and everyone pretends that it’s totally normal; that they aren’t completely on display for the 20-something dude instructors with equally highlighted hair, equally tanned abs, and equally inappropriately lowriding swimsuits (call me a fuddy-duddy, but if you’re riding so low in the back I can see your buttcrack, or in the front I have to wonder if you get “The Brazillian” manscaping, you’re inappropriate).
Then on the other hand you have the good, dutiful mommies who are all about doing the right thing for their (multiple) kids by schlepping them to swim lessons twice a week. If the troupe gets out of the house and makes it to lessons in time it’s a banner day. If the kids get breakfast in their tummies and all articles of clothing for afterward make it to the pool too, it’s a miracle. Forget about mommy doing her hair in anything but the quick up-do. Makeup? Not a chance. Mom’s major victory for the morning depends entirely on whether or not, by some miracle, she manages to get Starbucks.
At swim lessons these two worlds come in stark contrast.
I remember when I realized (for me) that moms were hotter than the red-bikinied swim instructors. I was in college, working at a local private elementary school, doing before and after school daycare, lunch duty, summer daycare, that sort of thing. Part of the responsibilities were managing traffic drop-offs in the morning where hurried (sometimes harried) parents drove their kids to school and dropped them off without even turning off the engine. After a time I remember taking note that by and large, the 30-something moms dropping off their kids were more attractive to me than the 20-something co-ed’s I was working with. The realization startled me at first, but I saw it for what it was and I accepted it right away. Intellectually it’s not hard to figure out why. These women have their acts together enough to have stable lives, and they have family-oriented priorities; both values I share. For my money the bikini-clad 20-something swim instructors seem way to into themselves to be anything more than eyecandy. They have all the nutritional value of a bowl of applejacks. That much was clear enough to me in college.
So here I sit on a Friday morning at swim lessons with my wife and kids. The bikini-clad 20-somethings are everywhere, but I just can’t take my eyes off of my wife (who, I think you’ll agree doesn’t need perfect makeup or hair to put those hottie-totties to shame). Two kids later and she is still the most beautiful, miraculously well-put-together woman I have ever seen. Those swim instructors have oceans to cross before they’re even in the same hotness-league as my wife.